Mind Games

Sometimes your mind just likes to play tricks on you. My therapist said that I have basically been hard wired to think pessimistically or at least think the worst of every situation. In order for me to not think the worst all the time I need to tell myself that those are unhealthy thoughts and my paranoia is getting the best of me. I need to tell myself I'm over thinking it and I don't know anything yet! Ugh.

Regret.

I regret ever meeting you. I regret every moment of our life together except for the moment where we got our dog. He's the only good thing to have come out of it. I hate you so much. I hate every memory of you. I don't know if this hatred is just anger right now. But all I know is I hate you so fucking much. I wish more than anything that I could erase you from my memory. I wish you never existed in my life. I keep asking myself why I ever trusted you. Why I ever let myself trust you. These past five years were for nothing. I now I have to fucking start over. I hate you so much. You get to be happy while I am the one waking up at night. Wondering why I couldn't have changed things about myself in time. I am the one loving you while you have consistently been hurting me. Over and over and over again these past months. It's so fucking pathetic that I still love you. That I still care about you. It's fucking pathetic. I'm the one that has to pick up the pieces. I'm the one that's left so fucking broken.

My feelings right now are full of hatred. Even as I write this I am crying. Crying over you. You don't even deserve my tears. You don't deserve me but I am still crying over you at 2 am on a work night knowing I have to wake up in 3 hours. You and her deserve each other. You don't deserve me. You guys have your fake happy little life you and you both are horrible people who deserve each other. A normal human wouldn't have treated me the way I have been treated the past three months. Fuck both of you.

I hate you so much. You have taken all the energy of life out of me. I hate that you were ever a part of me. I wish I could take it all back. I wish you never happened.

I know I said I wouldn't regret things in life but I lied. I never knew I would hurt this badly. I never knew YOU could hurt me this badly. I never expected this sort of pain. Ever.

I wish you never existed in my life. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could turn back the clock and have never been involved with you. I wish that I had never met you. Never helped you with your schoolwork. Never talked to you, never been a part of you.

I don't deserve this pain. But this is all I am feeling. I love you and you don't deserve it. I regret you.

Bed.

So for the past two months. My bed, Mozzy, and I have become even better best friends. All I do is lay in bed whenever I am off of work. I have this whole week off and aside from seeing family this past weekend, all I have done is lie in bed. Probably for about 16 hours a day. It sucks but I have mo motivation for anything else.

I'll get past this phase eventually right?

Waking Up Sucks.

See title of post. That's all for today.

Five Days Was All I Could Do.

I haven't let myself go onto my friends Facebook profile to see his page because I know seeing that stuff makes me sad. But that dumb bimbo had to tag a photo of someone who is still friends with me in a photo of all three of them and I had to see their photo anyways. So I saw that crap even though I tried to avoid it.

I am already feeling pretty vulnerable today because I had this overwhelming sense of being so alone. And then I had to see that stupid photo. It's just all so overwhelming. I am crying now. I just don't want to go through the motions of starting all over. I don't. Realizing I am alone realizing I have to go out and meet people, dating, potentially doing this whole breakup thing a few times even before I find someone who likes me enough to stick around is so overwhelming.

I hate this bullshit. Why does he get to be so happy and I am so sad. It's so unfair. Is it wrong for me to wish the world would just blow up already like the Mayans predicted? A little too dramatic you say? I don't care. I am so sad today. Don't feel like going through the motions of being okay and pretending to be fine anymore. It's so hard. So hard to fill up my time to distract myself. So hard to find friends to hang out with. I tried to fill up these last two days with friends but the plans fell through. :( so you can't say I didn't try. I have to learn to be okay being alone blah blah blah. I am trying but I am still so vulnerable and have moments of such weakness. It's these moments that scare me. I know this won't be the last time I get to this bad place either. :( makes it so hard.

Going to crawl back in bed for the rest of today. That's all I can muster up to do with myself right now.

Working on Myself

I haven't cried in a week I think. Well I think the last time I cried was on Monday after I saw him. But I haven't cried since then and now it's Saturday! So that's a lot of progress considering before then I cried everyday at least once. I think I am doing better than I could be or better than I ever thought I could considering I have never dealt with change or sadness well. I have always had problems dealing.

I am not going to lie and say this was an easy road. I still have lots of pain that I have to work through but as of today I believe I am pulling a Sam Winchester (from tv show Supernaturals) and building a wall in my brain. I feel like he was able to erase me from his life so easily, now I am trying to do the same. I am trying to erase him from my memory or at least from the forefront. I didn't deal with this breakup well initially. Not well at all but as of today I am doing better. I am not as emotional, not as hysterical, not as destructive. I think that's the important thing.

I am learning from therapy that I am allowed my feelings of sadness and feelings of anger without being destructive. I am allowed every feeling I want but I haven't resorted to the destructive outlets of emotional expression and that's the important part. I am proud of where I am right now and I am sadden he isn't a part of my life but there's nothing I can do about it but to move on.

I am typing this entry from my iPhone so it may be a bit shorter than my normal entries. But the basic point of this post is that I am okay. I am not happy but I am not destructive. I am okay.

I have been going to the gym at least 5 times a week. I have been happy about going to the gym. I haven't been happy about my food intake though! I have been to two Pilates classes, been doing the elliptical, treadmill and even working on weight lifting! :) that's a feat for me because usually I get really nervous working on equipment due to anxiety of feeling like I am being watched.

So I am working on myself now. I want to be a better person. My Pilates instructor ended the class with a beautiful quote today that really made my inner/outer self smile. "It's not what this world has in store for you, it's what you bring to this world." I take it as, live your life as best as you can and make it what you can. Don't let the outside forces control what happens to you, take control of your life and be the best you can be and do what you need to to be happy. I could be letting this breakup destroy me but I won't let it.

She also ended it with, "Girls stop worrying about what other people think of you, because its really none of your business." And I loved that too. Dot let people bring you down and it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as I am trying to bring peace and happiness to myself. And knowing what someone else thinks will only destroy that peace for myself.

You always end yoga class with this phrase and I feel like I need to end my blog post today with this phrase. Namaste. :)

Standing and Looking at the Pieces

So today was the day where the last loose end was tied up. I no longer have any other reason to contact my ex. It's pretty somber and bittersweet. This next line is pretty clique, but it's true. I'm closing one chapter of my life and I have to start anew. I have had all weekend to reminisce and let things settle. I had dinner with a friend on Friday, was alone on Saturday and Sunday. So I've had lots of time to think. This time, my thinking wasn't as destructive or as depressing as it was a month ago when all of this started to happen. I'm at a point where I'm willing to accept reality and my life as it is currently. I still wish I was with him and I still wish we were together even after everything he's done to me but I know that just because I wish for something doesn't mean that it will happen. My life isn't a fairy tale, although I wish that it was because then I would know for sure there was a happy ending at the end of all of this. Now I just have to hope that there's a happy ending.

I'm willing to accept that we are not together as sad as it may be. I am willing to accept that he has moved on from me. I am willing to accept that he's with someone else. I am willing to accept that I am alone. I am alone in the sense of a significant other, but through all of this, I've realized that I'm not technically alone because I have a good support group, great girl friends, guy friends, and family who has stuck by me. I am willing to accept that in the future, I know I can depend on these people when I am down. In the past, I was so scared to open up to anyone that whenever my ex and I fought, I bottled everything up, I never vented to anybody. I was always embarrassed about having another fight, or embarrassed to share these sad stories with others, whereas now when I look at things, I should have vented more, I should have shared more. Maybe all this sharing would have helped me become a better person, I would have had more perspective about our fights and maybe we could have fixed things instead of fighting over the same things over and over again.

I am still sad, but I am willing to try to piece myself back together. The wounds are still here, but I'm in the process of healing. The scars are present and I don't know that they will ever go away but I guess it's just a reminder of what I've been through. Just like this blog. I am going to miss him so much. He was not just my boyfriend but my best friend, for the past five years. I just wish things didn't end this way. I mean even if he wasn't my boyfriend, he was a great supportive friend to me and I will miss that the most. :( Having someone to confide in, having someone to laugh with, having someone to go to the movies with, someone to try new foods with, someone to talk about anything and everything with. It just sucks so much that he's out of my life. :(

Maybe one day our paths will cross again. Maybe. I just have to believe that at this point in time, someone somewhere is telling me I need to work on myself and be a stronger person. Learn to live on my own and look to myself for happiness. I think that someone will bring us back together one day when we're both stronger people and can support each other the way we deserve. And if not, I hope that there is someone out there for me, who will love me and want to spend the rest of their lives with me because being alone SUCKS SO DAMN MUCH.