Working on Myself

I haven't cried in a week I think. Well I think the last time I cried was on Monday after I saw him. But I haven't cried since then and now it's Saturday! So that's a lot of progress considering before then I cried everyday at least once. I think I am doing better than I could be or better than I ever thought I could considering I have never dealt with change or sadness well. I have always had problems dealing.

I am not going to lie and say this was an easy road. I still have lots of pain that I have to work through but as of today I believe I am pulling a Sam Winchester (from tv show Supernaturals) and building a wall in my brain. I feel like he was able to erase me from his life so easily, now I am trying to do the same. I am trying to erase him from my memory or at least from the forefront. I didn't deal with this breakup well initially. Not well at all but as of today I am doing better. I am not as emotional, not as hysterical, not as destructive. I think that's the important thing.

I am learning from therapy that I am allowed my feelings of sadness and feelings of anger without being destructive. I am allowed every feeling I want but I haven't resorted to the destructive outlets of emotional expression and that's the important part. I am proud of where I am right now and I am sadden he isn't a part of my life but there's nothing I can do about it but to move on.

I am typing this entry from my iPhone so it may be a bit shorter than my normal entries. But the basic point of this post is that I am okay. I am not happy but I am not destructive. I am okay.

I have been going to the gym at least 5 times a week. I have been happy about going to the gym. I haven't been happy about my food intake though! I have been to two Pilates classes, been doing the elliptical, treadmill and even working on weight lifting! :) that's a feat for me because usually I get really nervous working on equipment due to anxiety of feeling like I am being watched.

So I am working on myself now. I want to be a better person. My Pilates instructor ended the class with a beautiful quote today that really made my inner/outer self smile. "It's not what this world has in store for you, it's what you bring to this world." I take it as, live your life as best as you can and make it what you can. Don't let the outside forces control what happens to you, take control of your life and be the best you can be and do what you need to to be happy. I could be letting this breakup destroy me but I won't let it.

She also ended it with, "Girls stop worrying about what other people think of you, because its really none of your business." And I loved that too. Dot let people bring you down and it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as I am trying to bring peace and happiness to myself. And knowing what someone else thinks will only destroy that peace for myself.

You always end yoga class with this phrase and I feel like I need to end my blog post today with this phrase. Namaste. :)