Beginning of the End

I've decided to journal the next few chapters of my life. I am going through a tremendous amount of heartache and I want to be able to vent about what's going on in a healthy way. I want to be able to look back at these postings one day and remember what I went through and potentially think how strong I was. I may need the confirmation that I am strong again one day. I'm sure my future posts will be a lot less depressing, but right now, I'm pretty depressed so my posts are going to be a downer. =/

So a relationship with an ex-boyfriend of 4.5 years ended. We have been friends for 5.5 years now. Today marks the day that he will officially be out of my life. It's been a long time coming and I can't believe that he will no longer be a part of me, at least not physically. He'll always be a part of my memories, my  mind, and my heart. He's my first true love, my first true boyfriend. My other boyfriend lived in another country and we only spent about 12 months in person together over the course of four years, so I'm not sure that that relationship counts the same way that this one does. This relationship consisted of seeing each other daily, doing things together, going out on dates, spending so much time with one another, getting a beautiful little dog together, fighting together, and eventually parting ways. I honestly can't believe that this is happening. He has been my world for the past five years. And that was part of the problem, he was my world. Every part of my existence depended on him. I put so much pressure on him to be my everything. That was my fault. I pushed people who cared about me away. I pushed so many friends away for him, not that he ever asked me to, but because I was so insecure. He was an amazing boyfriend who supported me, guided me, and stood up for me, he made me laugh, annoyed me, made me angry, lifted my spirits when I was down, helped me financially when I needed it, gave me strength when I lacked it, and stood by me even through the toughest times, stood by me even when I was the worst kind of girlfriend to him. He stood by me through all of it, but I guess everyone has a threshold of what they can handle, and unfortunately for him he had enough. He had to get away from me. I wasn't able to provide him what he needed. 

I could go through pages and pages of things that I did wrong. I could list things out and it would feel like an endless list. I know my faults, I know my mistakes. I wish more than anything that I could fix them for him. I wish more than anything that I could make things right. I wish more than anything that I was given the opportunity to have another chance with this amazing handsome man. But he doesn't feel for me the same way that I feel for him. He tells me that those feelings are gone and over with. He tells me that he sees me as a friend. It's pretty  much the worst feeling ever, to love someone so much, have them so close but feel so far away. 

The past month has been insanely draining on me. I haven't slept well in this entire time period. I wake up periodically throughout the night, pretty much every two hours. I haven't slept through an entire night for over a month and a half. Lots of stuff has happened, I was literally running circles in my head. I couldn't stop running laps. I eventually was forced to see a therapist and a psychiatrist who has helped me immensely. I couldn't have asked for a better group of friends, family, and professional help. I actually see my therapist tomorrow afternoon. I wish she had a magic button to make everything right again, but nothing is ever that easy. I wish life was as simple as wishing upon a star and having those wishes come true. I would wish for my boyfriend back, or at least the opportunity to make things right. An opportunity to show him that I can make changes to myself. An opportunity to show him that I can be a happy person who isn't so miserable to be around. I wish more than anything to just have the opportunity, even if things don't work out in the end. At least I would know that I gave it my all. At least I would know that I tried my very best to make things work. I could at least walk away from the relationship knowing I did everything to the best of my abilities and that things just weren't going to work between us. But nope, as of today, I don't get another chance. As of today, I have to walk away from a guy who was a great boyfriend (horrible ex-bf though), knowing I didn't try my best to make the relationship work. 

I am at a point right now, where I am at a place where I can only see my faults. I know in time, I'll be able to see clearer and realize there were things from both parties that made the relationship not work, but as of today, all I see are my faults and what I could have done better, what I could have changed, what I could have fixed, but didn't. That's one of the hardest parts about all of this, knowing so much about what could have been easily fixed but wasn't. My insecurities in this relationship were out of control. I could have seen a therapist sooner, but I didn't. I could have lost the weight that made me a miserable person, but I didn't. I could have learned to let the little things go, but I didn't. I could have learned to focus on him, but I was focused so much on myself and my own little problems. 

I am not sure how I am supposed to go on without him in my life. He was such an important part of my life these past five years. I was in a car accident on 9/11/2012 and I finally went and got an estimate from the body shop on the damages and how much it would cost to fix, but I couldn't even call him to tell him about it. Usually, after anything, he's the first person I call to share news with. He's the first person I call to cry to if something bad happened at work. He's the first person I'd call to laugh about something with. He was my go-to buddy. He was my best friend. Now he's gone. :( He's out of my life and I have no one to fill that void. I know I'm supposed to learn to have happiness and friends outside of him, but it's been so long that this is going to be so hard. I'm starting from ground zero. I'm starting at ground zero with what feels like I'm completely alone. I know I'm not but at the same time, it feels like it because he's not with me. My best friend is gone. 

The hardest part about all of this is realizing how easy it seems to be for him. Why does he seem so calm, cool, and collected about all of this? Why does he not seem to be in pain at all from not having me in his life? We were together for over 5 years and he seems so chill about me not being a part of his life anymore. Why is it so hard for me but why does it appear so easy for him to let go of me? Did I not mean anything at all to him? Did I not make any sort of impact on his life? Will he even miss me? Does he not care about me? Why doesn't he seem to be affected? Why am I the one blogging and crying? Why does he get to be out and having fun and letting go of me so easily? I must not be that memorable of a person.

I want this pain to be gone. I know it's going to take so much time for me to move on. Why can't I be with him? :( Why? Why can't I have another try? When I make wishes now, I am going to wish for him. I just want my best friend back. I want to make changes to myself, but I also want him back. Is there a love potion that I can give him to make him love me again? Is it ever possible for reconciliation? Or is it true when he says he has no more feelings for me and he just sees me as a friend? Is there any hope that in the future he could see me differently and as more than just a friend? 

Not having any contact with him is going to be so hard. We talked/texted/saw each other so much, this is going to be such a big transition. I miss him so much. We had our talk today. It went as well as it could have. There was no yelling, there was no screaming. It was just honest and raw. I wish I knew that the last time I kissed him was going to be the last. I wish I knew the last time we slept together would have been the last. I wish I knew the last time we cuddled would have been the last. I would have cherished it so much more, engrained every feeling, every moment into my memory. Because sadly, I don't remember what any of those moments were like. I don't remember when the last of each of those moments were. :( And I regret it so much to not be able to cherish it. 

I hope I can get through this. I hope that I can be stronger. I hope that one day he'll see me differently. I hope he can love me again. I love him so much. I can't believe this is the end.