Mind Games

Sometimes your mind just likes to play tricks on you. My therapist said that I have basically been hard wired to think pessimistically or at least think the worst of every situation. In order for me to not think the worst all the time I need to tell myself that those are unhealthy thoughts and my paranoia is getting the best of me. I need to tell myself I'm over thinking it and I don't know anything yet! Ugh.

Regret.

I regret ever meeting you. I regret every moment of our life together except for the moment where we got our dog. He's the only good thing to have come out of it. I hate you so much. I hate every memory of you. I don't know if this hatred is just anger right now. But all I know is I hate you so fucking much. I wish more than anything that I could erase you from my memory. I wish you never existed in my life. I keep asking myself why I ever trusted you. Why I ever let myself trust you. These past five years were for nothing. I now I have to fucking start over. I hate you so much. You get to be happy while I am the one waking up at night. Wondering why I couldn't have changed things about myself in time. I am the one loving you while you have consistently been hurting me. Over and over and over again these past months. It's so fucking pathetic that I still love you. That I still care about you. It's fucking pathetic. I'm the one that has to pick up the pieces. I'm the one that's left so fucking broken.

My feelings right now are full of hatred. Even as I write this I am crying. Crying over you. You don't even deserve my tears. You don't deserve me but I am still crying over you at 2 am on a work night knowing I have to wake up in 3 hours. You and her deserve each other. You don't deserve me. You guys have your fake happy little life you and you both are horrible people who deserve each other. A normal human wouldn't have treated me the way I have been treated the past three months. Fuck both of you.

I hate you so much. You have taken all the energy of life out of me. I hate that you were ever a part of me. I wish I could take it all back. I wish you never happened.

I know I said I wouldn't regret things in life but I lied. I never knew I would hurt this badly. I never knew YOU could hurt me this badly. I never expected this sort of pain. Ever.

I wish you never existed in my life. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could turn back the clock and have never been involved with you. I wish that I had never met you. Never helped you with your schoolwork. Never talked to you, never been a part of you.

I don't deserve this pain. But this is all I am feeling. I love you and you don't deserve it. I regret you.

Bed.

So for the past two months. My bed, Mozzy, and I have become even better best friends. All I do is lay in bed whenever I am off of work. I have this whole week off and aside from seeing family this past weekend, all I have done is lie in bed. Probably for about 16 hours a day. It sucks but I have mo motivation for anything else.

I'll get past this phase eventually right?

Waking Up Sucks.

See title of post. That's all for today.

Five Days Was All I Could Do.

I haven't let myself go onto my friends Facebook profile to see his page because I know seeing that stuff makes me sad. But that dumb bimbo had to tag a photo of someone who is still friends with me in a photo of all three of them and I had to see their photo anyways. So I saw that crap even though I tried to avoid it.

I am already feeling pretty vulnerable today because I had this overwhelming sense of being so alone. And then I had to see that stupid photo. It's just all so overwhelming. I am crying now. I just don't want to go through the motions of starting all over. I don't. Realizing I am alone realizing I have to go out and meet people, dating, potentially doing this whole breakup thing a few times even before I find someone who likes me enough to stick around is so overwhelming.

I hate this bullshit. Why does he get to be so happy and I am so sad. It's so unfair. Is it wrong for me to wish the world would just blow up already like the Mayans predicted? A little too dramatic you say? I don't care. I am so sad today. Don't feel like going through the motions of being okay and pretending to be fine anymore. It's so hard. So hard to fill up my time to distract myself. So hard to find friends to hang out with. I tried to fill up these last two days with friends but the plans fell through. :( so you can't say I didn't try. I have to learn to be okay being alone blah blah blah. I am trying but I am still so vulnerable and have moments of such weakness. It's these moments that scare me. I know this won't be the last time I get to this bad place either. :( makes it so hard.

Going to crawl back in bed for the rest of today. That's all I can muster up to do with myself right now.

Working on Myself

I haven't cried in a week I think. Well I think the last time I cried was on Monday after I saw him. But I haven't cried since then and now it's Saturday! So that's a lot of progress considering before then I cried everyday at least once. I think I am doing better than I could be or better than I ever thought I could considering I have never dealt with change or sadness well. I have always had problems dealing.

I am not going to lie and say this was an easy road. I still have lots of pain that I have to work through but as of today I believe I am pulling a Sam Winchester (from tv show Supernaturals) and building a wall in my brain. I feel like he was able to erase me from his life so easily, now I am trying to do the same. I am trying to erase him from my memory or at least from the forefront. I didn't deal with this breakup well initially. Not well at all but as of today I am doing better. I am not as emotional, not as hysterical, not as destructive. I think that's the important thing.

I am learning from therapy that I am allowed my feelings of sadness and feelings of anger without being destructive. I am allowed every feeling I want but I haven't resorted to the destructive outlets of emotional expression and that's the important part. I am proud of where I am right now and I am sadden he isn't a part of my life but there's nothing I can do about it but to move on.

I am typing this entry from my iPhone so it may be a bit shorter than my normal entries. But the basic point of this post is that I am okay. I am not happy but I am not destructive. I am okay.

I have been going to the gym at least 5 times a week. I have been happy about going to the gym. I haven't been happy about my food intake though! I have been to two Pilates classes, been doing the elliptical, treadmill and even working on weight lifting! :) that's a feat for me because usually I get really nervous working on equipment due to anxiety of feeling like I am being watched.

So I am working on myself now. I want to be a better person. My Pilates instructor ended the class with a beautiful quote today that really made my inner/outer self smile. "It's not what this world has in store for you, it's what you bring to this world." I take it as, live your life as best as you can and make it what you can. Don't let the outside forces control what happens to you, take control of your life and be the best you can be and do what you need to to be happy. I could be letting this breakup destroy me but I won't let it.

She also ended it with, "Girls stop worrying about what other people think of you, because its really none of your business." And I loved that too. Dot let people bring you down and it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as I am trying to bring peace and happiness to myself. And knowing what someone else thinks will only destroy that peace for myself.

You always end yoga class with this phrase and I feel like I need to end my blog post today with this phrase. Namaste. :)

Standing and Looking at the Pieces

So today was the day where the last loose end was tied up. I no longer have any other reason to contact my ex. It's pretty somber and bittersweet. This next line is pretty clique, but it's true. I'm closing one chapter of my life and I have to start anew. I have had all weekend to reminisce and let things settle. I had dinner with a friend on Friday, was alone on Saturday and Sunday. So I've had lots of time to think. This time, my thinking wasn't as destructive or as depressing as it was a month ago when all of this started to happen. I'm at a point where I'm willing to accept reality and my life as it is currently. I still wish I was with him and I still wish we were together even after everything he's done to me but I know that just because I wish for something doesn't mean that it will happen. My life isn't a fairy tale, although I wish that it was because then I would know for sure there was a happy ending at the end of all of this. Now I just have to hope that there's a happy ending.

I'm willing to accept that we are not together as sad as it may be. I am willing to accept that he has moved on from me. I am willing to accept that he's with someone else. I am willing to accept that I am alone. I am alone in the sense of a significant other, but through all of this, I've realized that I'm not technically alone because I have a good support group, great girl friends, guy friends, and family who has stuck by me. I am willing to accept that in the future, I know I can depend on these people when I am down. In the past, I was so scared to open up to anyone that whenever my ex and I fought, I bottled everything up, I never vented to anybody. I was always embarrassed about having another fight, or embarrassed to share these sad stories with others, whereas now when I look at things, I should have vented more, I should have shared more. Maybe all this sharing would have helped me become a better person, I would have had more perspective about our fights and maybe we could have fixed things instead of fighting over the same things over and over again.

I am still sad, but I am willing to try to piece myself back together. The wounds are still here, but I'm in the process of healing. The scars are present and I don't know that they will ever go away but I guess it's just a reminder of what I've been through. Just like this blog. I am going to miss him so much. He was not just my boyfriend but my best friend, for the past five years. I just wish things didn't end this way. I mean even if he wasn't my boyfriend, he was a great supportive friend to me and I will miss that the most. :( Having someone to confide in, having someone to laugh with, having someone to go to the movies with, someone to try new foods with, someone to talk about anything and everything with. It just sucks so much that he's out of my life. :(

Maybe one day our paths will cross again. Maybe. I just have to believe that at this point in time, someone somewhere is telling me I need to work on myself and be a stronger person. Learn to live on my own and look to myself for happiness. I think that someone will bring us back together one day when we're both stronger people and can support each other the way we deserve. And if not, I hope that there is someone out there for me, who will love me and want to spend the rest of their lives with me because being alone SUCKS SO DAMN MUCH.

Beginning of the End

I've decided to journal the next few chapters of my life. I am going through a tremendous amount of heartache and I want to be able to vent about what's going on in a healthy way. I want to be able to look back at these postings one day and remember what I went through and potentially think how strong I was. I may need the confirmation that I am strong again one day. I'm sure my future posts will be a lot less depressing, but right now, I'm pretty depressed so my posts are going to be a downer. =/

So a relationship with an ex-boyfriend of 4.5 years ended. We have been friends for 5.5 years now. Today marks the day that he will officially be out of my life. It's been a long time coming and I can't believe that he will no longer be a part of me, at least not physically. He'll always be a part of my memories, my  mind, and my heart. He's my first true love, my first true boyfriend. My other boyfriend lived in another country and we only spent about 12 months in person together over the course of four years, so I'm not sure that that relationship counts the same way that this one does. This relationship consisted of seeing each other daily, doing things together, going out on dates, spending so much time with one another, getting a beautiful little dog together, fighting together, and eventually parting ways. I honestly can't believe that this is happening. He has been my world for the past five years. And that was part of the problem, he was my world. Every part of my existence depended on him. I put so much pressure on him to be my everything. That was my fault. I pushed people who cared about me away. I pushed so many friends away for him, not that he ever asked me to, but because I was so insecure. He was an amazing boyfriend who supported me, guided me, and stood up for me, he made me laugh, annoyed me, made me angry, lifted my spirits when I was down, helped me financially when I needed it, gave me strength when I lacked it, and stood by me even through the toughest times, stood by me even when I was the worst kind of girlfriend to him. He stood by me through all of it, but I guess everyone has a threshold of what they can handle, and unfortunately for him he had enough. He had to get away from me. I wasn't able to provide him what he needed. 

I could go through pages and pages of things that I did wrong. I could list things out and it would feel like an endless list. I know my faults, I know my mistakes. I wish more than anything that I could fix them for him. I wish more than anything that I could make things right. I wish more than anything that I was given the opportunity to have another chance with this amazing handsome man. But he doesn't feel for me the same way that I feel for him. He tells me that those feelings are gone and over with. He tells me that he sees me as a friend. It's pretty  much the worst feeling ever, to love someone so much, have them so close but feel so far away. 

The past month has been insanely draining on me. I haven't slept well in this entire time period. I wake up periodically throughout the night, pretty much every two hours. I haven't slept through an entire night for over a month and a half. Lots of stuff has happened, I was literally running circles in my head. I couldn't stop running laps. I eventually was forced to see a therapist and a psychiatrist who has helped me immensely. I couldn't have asked for a better group of friends, family, and professional help. I actually see my therapist tomorrow afternoon. I wish she had a magic button to make everything right again, but nothing is ever that easy. I wish life was as simple as wishing upon a star and having those wishes come true. I would wish for my boyfriend back, or at least the opportunity to make things right. An opportunity to show him that I can make changes to myself. An opportunity to show him that I can be a happy person who isn't so miserable to be around. I wish more than anything to just have the opportunity, even if things don't work out in the end. At least I would know that I gave it my all. At least I would know that I tried my very best to make things work. I could at least walk away from the relationship knowing I did everything to the best of my abilities and that things just weren't going to work between us. But nope, as of today, I don't get another chance. As of today, I have to walk away from a guy who was a great boyfriend (horrible ex-bf though), knowing I didn't try my best to make the relationship work. 

I am at a point right now, where I am at a place where I can only see my faults. I know in time, I'll be able to see clearer and realize there were things from both parties that made the relationship not work, but as of today, all I see are my faults and what I could have done better, what I could have changed, what I could have fixed, but didn't. That's one of the hardest parts about all of this, knowing so much about what could have been easily fixed but wasn't. My insecurities in this relationship were out of control. I could have seen a therapist sooner, but I didn't. I could have lost the weight that made me a miserable person, but I didn't. I could have learned to let the little things go, but I didn't. I could have learned to focus on him, but I was focused so much on myself and my own little problems. 

I am not sure how I am supposed to go on without him in my life. He was such an important part of my life these past five years. I was in a car accident on 9/11/2012 and I finally went and got an estimate from the body shop on the damages and how much it would cost to fix, but I couldn't even call him to tell him about it. Usually, after anything, he's the first person I call to share news with. He's the first person I call to cry to if something bad happened at work. He's the first person I'd call to laugh about something with. He was my go-to buddy. He was my best friend. Now he's gone. :( He's out of my life and I have no one to fill that void. I know I'm supposed to learn to have happiness and friends outside of him, but it's been so long that this is going to be so hard. I'm starting from ground zero. I'm starting at ground zero with what feels like I'm completely alone. I know I'm not but at the same time, it feels like it because he's not with me. My best friend is gone. 

The hardest part about all of this is realizing how easy it seems to be for him. Why does he seem so calm, cool, and collected about all of this? Why does he not seem to be in pain at all from not having me in his life? We were together for over 5 years and he seems so chill about me not being a part of his life anymore. Why is it so hard for me but why does it appear so easy for him to let go of me? Did I not mean anything at all to him? Did I not make any sort of impact on his life? Will he even miss me? Does he not care about me? Why doesn't he seem to be affected? Why am I the one blogging and crying? Why does he get to be out and having fun and letting go of me so easily? I must not be that memorable of a person.

I want this pain to be gone. I know it's going to take so much time for me to move on. Why can't I be with him? :( Why? Why can't I have another try? When I make wishes now, I am going to wish for him. I just want my best friend back. I want to make changes to myself, but I also want him back. Is there a love potion that I can give him to make him love me again? Is it ever possible for reconciliation? Or is it true when he says he has no more feelings for me and he just sees me as a friend? Is there any hope that in the future he could see me differently and as more than just a friend? 

Not having any contact with him is going to be so hard. We talked/texted/saw each other so much, this is going to be such a big transition. I miss him so much. We had our talk today. It went as well as it could have. There was no yelling, there was no screaming. It was just honest and raw. I wish I knew that the last time I kissed him was going to be the last. I wish I knew the last time we slept together would have been the last. I wish I knew the last time we cuddled would have been the last. I would have cherished it so much more, engrained every feeling, every moment into my memory. Because sadly, I don't remember what any of those moments were like. I don't remember when the last of each of those moments were. :( And I regret it so much to not be able to cherish it. 

I hope I can get through this. I hope that I can be stronger. I hope that one day he'll see me differently. I hope he can love me again. I love him so much. I can't believe this is the end.